Apprehensive, doubtful, scared. Yet at the same time really excited at what would come along and how I can conquer my demons one day at a time, one asana at a time. Years ago, this was all just a dream, a pretty distant one I’d say. Never thought I’d be one who’d love doing yoga – much different from the usual endless runnings and marathons. Perhaps something changed along the way, which led me to my way here today. Is this the right way, or would this just be me being all ambitious with myself again? I’m not sure, and I don’t want to be. For now, I just want to live in the moment, and what comes shall come, what goes, I will be brave enough to let it go. After all, yoga is more than just asanas right? As to why I joined YTT, it is really more than just wanting to teach, I want to learn – more about the whole new world of yoga and all the magic that it brings, about being aware of myself, and more in touch with my feelings.
My mind was and is pretty much all over the place today. Especially with finals that ended only at night yesterday and with barely any sleep last night. Day 1 of YTT, felt like awhile since I was attended any yoga lessons because these days I’ve just been using Youtube videos as my practice. And it feels good to be able to be back on the mat again!
Class started out with Ujjayi breathing – felt like the most refreshing and mindful thing I did all semester, which was really one of the most useful breathing techniques I learnt. Probably the only one. And it amazes me how such little acts can make great differences in our bodies. From promoting mental clarity, focus and all its soothing effects. We then proceeded with the flow. Missing out one day of lesson sure felt like a huge gap from my peers! Surya Namaskar – what I’ve been doing for so many years finally has a meaning attached to it today – honouring the sun. Learning sanskrits felt like a whole new language all over again! And god knows I love learning new languages, but this is really another level. Certain asanas still seems very unreachable as of now, and also trying Uddiyana Bandha today was really really tough! My core feels really weak and I really want to strengthen it. Not just for the sake of being able to hold asanas, but also to build up myself as a person, to be rooted in things I love and enjoy doing, to be strong and not easily defeated. I want to be locked, grounded in my dreams and passion. To never falter when things gets inevitably tiring. Just putting it here as a reminder to never give up and keep going. It’s not about getting there all at once, but slowly, with much awareness, one breath at a time.
Nonetheless, being able to practice yoga feels like home again, and I truly look forward to see and feel how much more my body can do, to grow, to learn, to love what I’m doing more than ever. Importantly, I would hope to be able to enlarge the capacity of my heart to be patient, to contain more than just myself. I want to be able to be more mindful of my surroundings, and the internal voice within, to let thoughts come, and let them go rather than holding onto unnecessary things. I want to be less afraid. Like Jessica mentioned this afternoon, that people hate facing their demons. I want to face them without fears, and to conquer them. Be it asanas or worries and doubts of ever being able to teach a yoga class – I hope to triumph over them all.
Hard pressed on every side but never crushed:)