We’re now in the middle of our YTT and every week, I think back to what Jessica told us within the first 10 minutes of our very first YTT session. That yoga is like a knife. You can use it to cut fruits to sustain yourself, or you can use it to stab yourself.
I struggle with anxiety around a lot of things – success, exams, performance, keeping up. Theoretically, I understand and believe that everyone’s body is different and so fitness comes differently to all of us. But I’ve spent years trying different types of exercises, group classes, gyms, routines and challenges to attempt to mould my body to be more like those that I see around me.
The intimate nature of a yoga studio made me realise very quickly that not only did I look very different from most of the other girls in class but that I had a very different body shape from them as well. I also realised, with a pang of dismay, that I lacked a lot of strength comparatively. So I thought signing up for YTT would mean that I would be able to learn to develop my own sequences that I could do from the comforts of my home – away from everything that makes me feel like I don’t fit in.
Hearing Jessica give that analogy of yoga as a knife really rings true for me because while I turned to YTT as a form of protection, I very quickly made it a knife that stabbed me. A few weeks ago, I overdid it during my home practice on a Monday and hurt both shoulders, both elbows, both knees and both ankles. All I wanted was to master the chaturanga NOW because it seemed like everyone else could do it, so why not me?! I didn’t listen to my body. I didn’t stop when I felt twinges of pain. I just wanted to fit into what I thought was the true yoga community.
It was a painful lesson. Alexis advised me against practicing for a few days and it made me feel like I had let myself down. Not because I wasn’t practicing due to the pain, but because I had forgotten the very reason why I signed up for YTT – to create a safe space for myself. Instead, I went ahead and did the opposite. It shocked me into the realisation that all along, I was the only one hurting myself by overdoing anything fitness-related which then led to a recurring pattern of injuring myself over the years.
Since then, one of the biggest things I’ve taken away from my YTT weekends so far is to maintain a constant awareness of my body. What am I engaging? What am I stretching? Are my hips aligned? Are my shoulders aligned? Am I pressing all four corners of my feet into the ground? Am I pushing too hard? Am I too lax?
It took me hurting multiple major joints to realise that the safest space for me to create is within myself. As long as I remember that, my journey as a yogi will truly be all about progression and never about perfection. I’ll eventually be able to do that chaturanga, but I’m not going to place a time limit on that endeavour any longer.
Simran
RYT200 Aug’20 Weekend
RYT200 Aug’20 Weekend
