Okay, so this one theory lesson stuck with me even until now. Back then, when Jess said, ‘meditation’, I imagined scented candles in a dark room and instrumental music playing in the background. So when the question “What are you afraid of?” came up, I flatlined *insert long beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep here*
Because I had a whole bunch of those nasty things shoved into a box -a titanium one thankyouverymuch- under lock and key and tucked away somewhere in the dustiest corners of my brain. Certain things have already happened so long ago but I’ve spent so long beating those thoughts and feelings away, I’ve never really taken the time to properly confront how much they’ve affected me in terms of my confidence and self-esteem. Because it was just so painful.
It wasn’t easy for my classmates and I to open up about our fears and insecurities. It’s wasn’t easy for any of us to let ourselves be vulnerable in front of other people. But I’m grateful for the lesson. The exercise in which we were keeping our dristhi at a candle flame helped immensely. We were in a way, ‘forced’ to hold onto only one thought at a time and even so, was taught not to entertain it. To just accept and let it pass.
I found myself asking ‘why’ most often. Why I reacted the way I did, why I think the way I do, why I am the person I am today. As of now I still don’t have all the answers. I just know that letting fear dictate what I do or don’t, is a terrible cage to put myself into. It’s a terrible way to spend the rest of my life. I’ve learnt so much and tried so many things for the first time- daunting as they may be- throughout this YTT. It’s a precious feeling and I don’t want to lose it.